How To Stay Strong And Not Contact Your Ex?

Let's be real: no contact might sound like a simple thing - "just don't text your ex and you'll be fine." But when it comes to reality, the pain and longing can be so intense that even the most courageous, proud, and confident individuals falter and break their no contact. I've seen it happen many times. Often, people only come to me for help after they've broken their no contact several times.

That's why I'm armed with insights, tips, and strategies to give you a time-tested way to alleviate anxiety and resist the urge to reach out to your ex. Time to dive in:

The truth is, if you're reading this article, chances are, you were more emotionally invested in your relationship than your partner was. Breakups rarely occur on "equal terms." They left, and you're here, and it sucks. This emotional investment, this "bond," isn't metaphorical or some mystical "love" notion, it's a literal chemical - hormonal, to be precise - connection. The more emotionally invested you were, and the less your partner was, the more painful this "bond" is. And since your partner is not close, what you experience can be described as basically hormonal withdrawal. It's painful and unpredictable. It usually catches you off guard when you least expect it:

Sometimes you may feel okay, but then, one evening, or even one morning, your whole body starts protesting, and all your thoughts are consumed by your ex. You might find yourself thinking about how great your ex is, ruminating over the mistakes you might have made during the relationship, wondering about the potential outcomes had you avoided those mistakes, and questioning what would happen if you texted or called them. What if your ex responds, and maybe, if you find the right words, they will change their mind?

However, especially if you've already tried convincing your ex to come back, you might realize this approach doesn't work, but the withdrawal is so intense that you still reach for your phone. You know it's not healthy for you, but you still text. So, we're essentially dealing with addiction withdrawal from your ex. To combat it, we need very specific and powerful actions. Without action, even if you feel better for a week or two, the next wave of withdrawal will hit you, and it will hit you hard.

I'll go even further. Maybe your coach didn't tell you this, but the primary goal while in no contact is to heal this addiction. This is actually the main goal. Without healing the addiction, your recovery will be slow, and a reunion, if you desire it, will simply not be possible. That's why some people resist the urge to text their ex, maintain no contact for months, and then wonder why their ex hasn't returned. That's because nothing has changed since the breakup. This hormonal addiction compels them to over-invest repeatedly and to find themselves once again in a weak, dependent position - the same position that led to the breakup. So, this isn't just a side-quest, it's the main quest.

How do you fight addiction? One common method people use daily is:

In the aftermath of a breakup, many people turn to passive approaches such as meditation or coaching for comfort and a way forward. While these methods have their benefits, in my experience, they often don't offer a quick enough fix during this emotionally tumultuous time. Let's dive a little deeper into why this might be the case.
The pain you feel after a breakup isn't just emotional—it's also physical. In the absence of your ex, your body and mind are essentially going through withdrawal, much like quitting an addictive substance. During your relationship, your brain got used to a steady flow of feel-good hormones, such as dopamine and oxytocin, that were released every time you interacted with your ex. Now that they're gone, your brain is crying out for that missing "fix".

Passive approaches like meditation can certainly help in navigating these waters. They can calm the mind, improve focus, and enhance overall mental resilience. These practices can be great for fostering a state of peace and mindfulness, helping you to see things from a different perspective and promoting acceptance. However, they might not directly address the hormonal imbalance your brain is grappling with after the split.

Consider this: While you're sitting quietly and focusing on your breath during meditation, your brain might still be crying out for that rush of dopamine it's sorely missing. Meditation is soothing, yes. It can bring about an increased state of awareness, yes. It can even provide temporary relief from the tormenting thoughts of your ex. But when the practice ends and you're left alone with your thoughts once more, the yearning can return just as potent as before. The promised instant results might then seem to dissolve in the face of this powerful hormonal backlash.

I'm not discounting the benefits of these passive practices. They play a crucial role in holistic healing and long-term mental well-being. However, when it comes to addressing the intense, immediate effects of post-breakup anxiety, a more proactive approach might deliver faster, more tangible relief. This involves engaging your body physically, reminding it—and by extension, your mind - that you're still very much alive. Even in the aftermath of heartbreak, life goes on, and your body needs to feel it in a visceral way:

Firstly, consider this crucial question: do you truly love yourself? If the answer is yes, then you must acknowledge your value and understand that no one deserves the emotional pain and turmoil you've been subjected to. If your ultimate goal is to reconnect, remember that you have what it takes to turn this goal into reality.

Secondly, know that one of the fastest ways to overcome an addiction is to replace it with a healthier one. I will provide a list of methods that have been successful in most cases, but I am confident you can discover activities that are interesting to you. If thoughts of your ex persistently invade your mind during no contact, it's a clear indication that you have idle time on your hands. You have to change that situation. Engage wholeheartedly in activities that absorb your attention and demand your full concentration. This is key.

Here's where I've seen a big difference: the introduction of physical activity into your routine, especially something new and exciting. I'm not just talking about hitting the gym or going for a run (though these are great too). I mean trying out something you've never done before, something thrilling, something that makes your heart pound in a different way. Ever tried skydiving? Or kickboxing? How about salsa dancing? These activities are not just distractions. They are scientifically proven to boost mood-enhancing hormones such as dopamine and endorphins, creating a natural high that can begin to fill the void your ex left behind.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Physical activity? When I can hardly summon the energy to crawl out of bed?" Trust me, I've been there. It's like asking a runner with a twisted ankle to go for a sprint. But, bear with me. Even the smallest step counts. It's about breaking the inertia of heartbreak, making the conscious choice to not let it anchor you down. Start small if you must. It could be a simple walk around the block or a beginner's yoga class. Just the act of moving your body can be a powerful signal to your brain that you are ready to heal, to move forward.

I want you to imagine the scenario for a second: You're standing on the edge of a skydiving plane, heart pounding, adrenaline rushing. Or maybe you're in a salsa class, laughing as you fumble through the steps. In those moments, your mind isn't consumed with thoughts of your ex. Instead, it's pulsating with life, with the thrill of the new. You're rewriting your narrative, one heartbeat at a time. And, my friend, that's where the magic of healing truly begins.

Here are a few tried-and-true methods that people globally, particularly in complex cases, utilize daily for the swiftest possible recovery:

In most instances, all the approaches mentioned above will work. The only barrier to success is internal hesitation to try, and this is something you must confront. You need to find a way. Yes, I am here by your side, but the battle is yours. Find that courage, resist being needy, dependent, and weak, and purge these tendencies from your body and mind.

The time is now. You have to make that decision. Only if you make the fully conscious decision that you will start actively showing love for yourself, and that you will never reach out to the one who failed to see your true value, will you manage to maintain no contact and prove your worth.

You'll show them what life is like without your messages or calls. They may think you're the same person as at the moment of the breakup, but the breakup will change you forever, and it WILL make you stronger. The stronger version of yourself. A crisis, the stress, removes all the safety blocks, all the barriers to change in your body. It's time: now, or never. Ignite the fire within. Become stronger. And when you think you've reached your limit, dig deep and become even STRONGER.

You've got this.